Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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