I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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