My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
