It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
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We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
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I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
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