I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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