It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
