Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
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I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
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Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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