I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
