I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
