Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
