When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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