I haven't been this sober since birth.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
