Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
