you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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