i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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