He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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