Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
