Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
