Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Blood and glitter go together right?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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