Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
