Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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