My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
