he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
