I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
