Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
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just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I made him laugh his dick is mine
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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