Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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