im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Randomize
