Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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