I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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