I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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