the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
