I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
