She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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