Pants 0. Shit 1.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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