A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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