"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
