I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
