My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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