Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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