anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
