I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
