my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
