I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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