Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
40s are totally the cure
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
