Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
