i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
if i died would you start the facebook group?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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