Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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