you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
