My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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