shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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