You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
