I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
