so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
