# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize