Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Can I color on your dick again?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
