I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
