If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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