i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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