I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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