Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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